Today the oddness began
Well I got of to a mild (ish) start. I went for something that I thought was only mildy controversial but ended up causing me enough aggravation to serve as a warning shot for future options that I put to Unazukin and raised my awareness that I might want to consider the potential outcomes a little more carefully.
I looked for opportunities to make an outlandish 50/50 decision at work today and this only served to depress me by underlining just how little autonomy I actually enjoy. It is now sadly obvious to me that they only kind of work related decision I can take is - to go or not to go. And since I was already there it was a little late for that. I considered “to go home ill or stay at work” might be a viable last minute alternative but it’s hardly something that doesn’t occur to me at regular intervals normally and on that basis would easily make it into the run of the mill blog detailed on day one. Unazukin ought to be used for something a little more imaginitive or at least something that I wouldn’t normally do and so I counted the hours until, paradoxically, i would be free to let a toy decide my future.
After work I stopped at the supermarket in my role of hunter/gatherer. Despite being the alpha male (well only male) in my domain I also have very little autonomy when it comes to exactly what I am expected to hunt/gather. The household requirements have been previously relayed to me by way of a handwritten list and my role is simply to put them in a basket, queue and pay. This is the way that it was, is and always will be. Until it occurred to me that this is exactly the kind of situation where I ought to be playing my little egg shaped Joker. The supermarket was my one remaining chance to make bring Unazukin into play, I knew that as soon as I got home my options would be limited to asking Unazukin whether or not I should watch Eastenders (a quandry that wouldnt have even made it into that run-of-the-mill blog) and so there, in the middle of Tesco’s, it began for real.
I pulled out my Unazukin and place him/her in the palm of my hand. Ignoring the stares from other shoppers that are probably normally reserved for proper mentalists - I pause for a moment, think of a question and begin to invoke my chants.
“Unazukin - do you really want me to spend this weeks grocery money on household essentials?”
1 nod
Thats the sex of this thing established - quite plainly a girl.
“Unazukin - should I spend the entire £50 on luxury food and drink”
2 nod
Definitely a woman. Contractory answers because she wants to have her cake and eat it. As previously established either 1 or 2 nods carries the same weight and so the penalty shoot-out continued until I got a firm winner and loser.
“Unazukin - household goods?” i repeat.
1 shake - my heart skipped a beat.
“Unazukin - Luxury foods?”
1 nod - game on.. the motion is carried.. we are through the looking glass here people. Time to throw caution to the wind and tantailise the angry girlfriend with an entire evening of gourmet action. Only it didn’t quite pan out like that.
When I arrived home with a prepared lobster plus exotic looking veg and bottle of champaigne my angry girlfriend was noticably upbeat. I basked happily in her warm smile for a full five minutes until the reality of the situation became more apparent. Initially she tried to work out what we were celebrating - pay rise perhaps? a long lost dead rich relative maybe?
Her smile gradually became more forced and a look af confusion slowly spread across her face. “If you used the grocery money for the lobster, what about the stuff that was on the list?”
“there wasn’t enough cash left to buy any of that” I explained matter of factly.
In the five years that we have been together I don’t think that I have seen so many emotions flicker across her face in such a short period of time. Happiness, confusion, realization, incredulity, anger (there was definitely anger) and i’m ashamed to say a hint of tears. What wounded me most though was the distinct look of hurt. In blowing the best part of a weeks grocery money on one meal, without her consultation, I think I probably betrayed her trust and made her question my reliability which to date has pretty much been my only saving grace.
Although, and i’m sure that she’d never admit it, I believe that deep down she found it refreshing that after years of being safe and a little boring - it appears that i’m still capable fo throwing caution to the wind and getting a little bit wild. She was probably saying exactly that to her friends whilst sat in a pub after storming out in a door slamming fit. I could certainly feel my ears burning whilst I sat alone in front of Eastenders wolfing down an entire lobster and a glass of bubbly.
Unazukin. You work in mysterious ways - you little egg shaped psycho you.