Have you got any string?
Yesterday Unazukin finally came of age. She was actually useful - or would have been if things had turned out differently.
I have been going about this all wrong by trying to force her to make a decision during some point of my day as this has always felt a little unnatural and even cumbersome. The Unazukin decision has been something that I have had to try and work into my life - but things have now changed for the better. When I say better I suppose I mean that I have found a way for her to make my life easier.
This might be cheating a little on my original intentions, but it is my experiment and I will do whatever feels good for me. Since the relevation that I have to let Unazukin choose between one thing I do want to do and one thing that I don’t, it has occured to me how I can use this to my advantage. I can almost play Unazukin as my “get out of jail free card”. If there is a time during the day that I have to do something that I don’t want to do, I can simply think of something that i’d really like to do and ask Unazukin to choose between them.
In some respects this is a bit win/win as if I would have normally have had to do the thing I don’t want to do already. I realise this is kind of against the whole spirit of the project and will probably bring me into conflict with AG a bit more often. But at heart I am a very lazy person and if I can somehow invoke Unazukin to justify this then I am a happy man.
Yesterday however she sent me on a wild goose chase. First though have a butchers at my new favourite addition to the Unazukin Battle which was uploaded yesterday by Morbid Angel.
I was walking past the church on the main road near my house. The church itself is true to its Christian beliefs in that it welcomes allcomers into its sanctuary. I do think that this hospitality is somewhat abused by the large group of tramps that sit outside the place day and night drinking budget high strength lagers and contemplating the meaning of life with each other - loudly whilst thinking through a fog of alcohol. Whilst walking past I was approached by a women (i think) aged somewhere between 35 and 70 years old. She had three teeth and a complexion that Simon Weston would have shyed away from.
She stared me full in the face, her eyes slowly closing and opening whilst her head nodded up and down slightly as if she was trying to fight off jetlag. She beckoned me closer by waggling her index finger - although I was pretty sure that I was as close as I needed to be.
“Have you got any string?” she mumbled.
“What?” I queried “actually on me now?”
“Have YOU got any STRING?” she repeated emphasising the two salient parts of the question, in case for some reason the concept was too mighty for me to grasp.
“I don’t actually have any one me now” I replied.
“Why not?” she slurred.
“Well” i said hoping that she would see my point of view “Do you have have any string with you?”. She grimaced and turned her nose up as if some foul smell (apart from her own overwhelming funk) had suddenly filled her nostrils. She thought about the situation for a moment or two as she swayed from side to side. I could see the paradox of the point I was making working its way around her scrumpy addled brain. After a full 15 seconds of weighing up the situation, she spoke.
“HAVE YOU GOY ANY STRING” she bellowed.
At this point I decided to consult Unazukin and pulled her from my bag. I switched her on and held her in my outstretched hand. I think the fact that I didn’t feel at all uncomfortable about talking to a childs toy in public says less about my new found confidence in Unazukin and more about the general mental state of the people in my immidiate vicinity. The fact that it was completely ignored by these alcohol induced mentalists shows just what kind of level of insanity they have acheived.
I asked Unazukin whether I should (a) go try and find some string for the gin soaked hag or (b) go and buy a bottle of gin for myself and treat AG and I to some cool G+T’s in the sunshine and write the rest of the day off..
Unfortunately it seems Unazukin has a charitable nature and advised me that the crusty old soaks need was greater than mine. So I spent half an hour wandering around the local shops trying to buy the simplest of items. String. It used to be everywhere but all the shop assistants I spoke to looked at me like I was asking for a victorian clothes mangle. As I searched I became more and more intrigued at what my pie-eyed friend actually wanted it for. I have noticed that it seems to be the fashion amongst the street drinking brew crew to use it as a make shift belt - and wondered if in fact she had forgotten hers and was feeling embarrassingly under-dressed. Eventually I managed to find an old school haberdashery that i’d never noticed before and lo and behold they had a nice big ball of string.
When I arrived back at the church, string women was still standing (sort of) where I left her. As I approached her, she slowly focussed on me. I was disappointed that she showed no sense of recognition when my face finally reformed itself for her.
“Have you got any string?” she said.
“As a matter of fact I have” I replied triumphantly “i’ve got a whole ball of the stuff so prepare to fill your boots”. In fairness she probably already had and probably filled them on regular occasions. I removed the ball of string from by bag and held it in front of her face - allowing plenty of time for her eyes to refocus. She stared blankly at the brand new ball of string and then screwed up her face in the traditional “bulldog chewing a wasp” fashion.
“HAVE YOU GOT ANY STRING?” she yelled. I placed the ball of twine at her feet, said my goodbyes and walked away briskly.
July 21st, 2006 at 8:15 am
James…
Well … again a nice post ….